Meeting Five– Men Working
Opening Round
Open as normal; a suggestion for a Query is, “What has been most on your mind this week?”
First Exercise: Feedback
In this exercise the men will form into groups of two and practice giving feedback based on the following guidelines.
Guidelines for Giving Feedback
1. Only give feedback when requested to do so, or by first asking.
2. Always speak with caring and respect. Never use judgmental words like stupid or ridiculous; these are not useful in helping another man understand his situation.
3. Focus on behavior, not motive. For example, “I heard you say that you buy lottery tickets that you can’t afford because you feel hopeless. How do you think you would feel if, for one week, you gave the money that you spend on tickets to a charity or to someone you know who is in need?”
4. Express yourself. Don’t impute feelings to others. For example, “I noticed that you haven’t said anything during the meeting. I want to tell you that am feeling anxious and concerned.” Rather than saying, “You’re really depressed tonight.”
5. Share the effect of an observation. Say, “When I heard you raise your voice and saw your hand made a fist, I felt scared because I believed that I might be hurt.”
6. Never attack a man’s character; provide honest information as you understand it. Be immediate. If something happens, don’t wait until the next meeting, or the following month. Give feedback at once. For example; “When I hear you cutting Bob off in a conversation, I feel sad because I believe that you don’t value the guidelines of the group.”
Guidelines for Receiving Feedback
1. Accept feedback as being sincerely given.
2. Wait before you reply. Let the feedback sink in.
3. You are under no obligation to reply.
4. Reflect back the feedback so that you’re sure you understand it and if you’re not sure what was said, ask for clarification.
5. Remember that sometimes feedback has more to do with the giver’s experiences than yours. If you don’t intuitively agree, you can simply dismiss it.
6. You don’t have to do anything about it. It was given to you. You have no obligation to follow any advice or accept anyone’s interpretation of your behavior.
7. Don’t be overwhelmed. If you’re getting too much feedback simply say, “Ok, that is enough.”
Second Exercise: Work
Work is an important part of this group. By “Work” the group means setting aside time for an individual man to work on a specific issue that is troubling him, or that he wants to share in some way. In this exercise the group begins this practice.
Closing the Meeting
The meetings typically end with a short round in which each man says how he is feeling and takes can of any unfinished business. The manual also contains various rituals that groups use to close a meeting.